Self Pity

“They aren’t coming!” my friend said to me as I stared at the white bubbles surrounding the otherwise golden remains of my beer. Looking up from my glass, I noticed a pale blue hue wrapping the skyscraper-laden Tokyo skyline, signifying that evening was soon to follow. I said, “Who isn’t coming?”

My dear friend Adam Besse, who is a co-creator on many of my artistic projects, thoughtfully sipped his sudsy brew then, with a somewhat knowing look, he cheekily responded, “The calvary isn’t coming.”

This wasn’t the first time I’d heard Adam use this analogy, which is to say, this wasn’t the first time I’d wallowed in the hardship of a life of artistic pursuit—waiting for a savior to deliver me from the woes of a challenging rut.

The point is, if you want to achieve anything, you can’t wait around for a white knight to come to barreling in. No, you will have to align yourself with the mindset that, ultimately, you can only rely on yourself.

I’ve written numerous times about the importance of “doing the work,” and have explained the process. So instead, I’ll make this blog about the poison of self-pity.

Everything you want in life exists on the other side of self-pity. In other words, you will never achieve what you want in life until you’ve overcome the self-inflicted and self-derived narrative of self-pity.

Self-pity is a poison that breeds paralysis. Self-pity whittles away at the progress we would otherwise make toward our goals. Self-pity blinds us from seeing the truth and taking action in the direction of reality (i.e., the facts of our current circumstances). And finally, self-pity degrades our energy resources and spirits, making us unpleasant company to be around.

Much like when I was at this Tokyo lobby bar with my friend…whose patience with me, I’m sure, was wearing thin!

Of course, I know better!

The most successful people I know bade farewell to self-pity, said sayonara to blaming external factors for their own circumstances, accepted that good things take time to happen, and JUST GOT ON WITH IT.

No one owes you anything. Not even the universe—as much as I believe in the Law of Attraction and the Law of Abundance and adopting that mindset accordingly. Over the years, I’ve come to believe we have a right to set forth to achieve our goals, and that there is abundant opportunity waiting for us, but that we are not entitled to have it handed to us just because we’re here.

Which is where, as they say, the wheat is separated from the chaff.

Because when bad news on a project you’ve poured your heart and soul into arrives, which it ultimately will on many things we work on, it’s all too easy to spiral into a pity party that can last an hour, a day, or even a week. Ergo, my aforementioned mood in Tokyo.

My agent had just confirmed that the distribution deal for the film project we were currently working on in Tokyo had fallen through. Adding insult to injury, this particular deal was our proverbial last shot.

So, while one may sympathize with my “feeling sorry for myself,” that sympathy does me no favors.

And my friend and collaborator knew that.

What happened next was quite simple.

I returned my friend’s all-knowing grin without a sliver of reluctance.

And drank another beer.

I gazed out the window at the now-orange hues reflecting off the metropolitan skyline and said to myself—Fuck…You’re in Tokyo for gosh sake. Be thankful. Put on a fresh shirt, grab your camera gear, and get out there and film. Be creative. Do what you love.

More pointedly, wise words by Dr. James Hollis fit here: “Shut up, Suit up and Show up.”

And we did.

So, as I write this, I remind myself of the many lessons I’ve learned by creating art and pursuing my goals.

They are as follows:

I want hardship. It makes me a stronger person. The more hardship I experience and overcome, the less it feels like hardship.

I want to struggle. Struggle forces me to be better at what I’m doing. Moreover, it makes the fruits of my labour that much sweeter.

Don’t engage in complaining to yourself or others. It serves no useful purpose and only perpetuates feelings of self-pity.

Don’t go to your bosses or agents or whomever with problems—only solutions.

Question your perceptions around a situation. Are those preconceived notions really supporting the outcome you want?

Take ownership of your emotions and take action towards what you want. This doesn’t mean you don’t feel your emotions, it just means you don’t become a prisoner to them. Sometimes the best art is created when we are sad. Sometimes the best fuel for action is anger. Either way, taking action and ownership will dissolve any feelings of stuckness and self-pity.

Lean in and let go simultaneously. As my friend said, “The cavalry isn’t coming.” so ask yourself what you can do to help your artistic goals come to fruition. And in the process, let go of the outcomes, trust the process, and revel in the love of doing the work.

Reframe self-pity. It is not self-compassion. It is pride, arrogance and righteousness.

Re-align your resources toward productive activities (both inwardly and outwardly).

Practice gratitude. It works.

While I can’t promise that ending your relationship with self-pity will result in any specific material gains, I can promise you it will make you happier, more productive, and better able to handle the success you seek when it does come. In other words, only when we overcome our battle with the inner critic are we able to win the outer war—the challenges we face in the world.

Successful People Conquer Pity!